It seems that resultant patterns of success can bring a misconception. Recent weeks have resulted in a pleasing string of project completions. It was then followed by two consecutive days of total and unexpected failures. This is the way that living shows up at times. Certainly this instance is far from a new phenomenon in experience, even to, these instances can chip at ones confidence if allowed. I have experienced strings of similar result over time. I sometimes think it more frequent to fail than to succeed, yet,this too is a false image, conjured up by the psyche. There is always a reason of circumstance to influence outcomes. It is unlikely that life is meant to be anything specific. As now passes through time, impressions form that may be unsound based in the circumstances that seem to align as significant. Thus as individuals these contribute to what forms as an impression that may falsely alter our thoughts.
I had a string of successes during these recent weeks that are directly tied to the issue that stopped my musical progress in late 2019. I was on a significant roll then too. Having finally gained a hard earned understanding of the digital audio workstation I use, this was showing up in ease of use. The struggles of learning the methodology employed began providing dividends in the form of personal success at recording. This was augmented by finally attaining high quality instruments which themselves were inspiring to work with. I'd finally reached the big compilation of nearly a decade long project that could lead to recording a lifetime of songwriting. Then the door slammed shut. I had the tools and an understanding when the finger problem stopped me in my tracks. That was soon to be followed by the damn pandemic, isolation and a deepening struggle to make sense of what is. Why?
With this autumn coming on, the finger was gradually releasing its lasting hold on my ability to proceed at will. Even though the inability had begun to noticeably fall away, I recognized the need to proceed with caution limiting its use while playing. This finger, just a part of one's hand seemingly insignificant when function allows normal use, became a force changing everything. Having this nearly two years of hellish struggle, seeming it was about to relent its grip, provided an opportunity to regain the path that it had blocked. A lot of uncertainty had built up over time's course, particularly while learning to and playing in a three fingered fashion, because doing so was notably prohibitive. Some of the songs were impossible to play at all. Gradually I did overcome some of this through utilization of alternate forms in making chords, but there were other songs demanding uses impossible to achieve. Thus the uncertainty that I would ever reach a level of play that came close to what had once been freely available at will, would ever return.
The struggle of playing with three fingers began by weaning that index finger from use. The habit of fifty some years had developed what is often referred to as muscle memory. To bust through the years of habitual reflex may sound simple, yet reality is far from that. I found it a tremendous struggle to deactivate my index finger when playing almost everything. The index finger for a guitar player is engaged for nearly every chord played and is the master positioner in playing lead as well. It took many months to develop an ability to play and sing again with any sense of fluidity. I recall trying to play and sing songs, to find this neutralization of the index finger from habit would break all concentration, to the degree that all sense of place would vanish completely. I could be in mid phrase, singing when the finger would send a jolt of pain (from engagement) that would stop me dead without recall of where I was in the song's progression. That condition went on for months, but eventually that condition released, the index finger was mostly disengaged except when deliberate for use as a bar, for bar chords or an occasional B7. The latter of those uses near always resulted in a lasting inflammation. As this transition continued, I at times would deliberately try doing things which would engage the index finger, only as a progress report, because I had the need of hope that this condition, a messed up finger would heal over time, and gradually I noticed an improvement. By this time, I'd successfully broken the old muscle memory problem that had plagued me for so many months and I had somewhat resigned that playing well was likely and actually, gone forever.
Hope though lingered within through the ins and outs of life, struggling along playing songs near daily, doing some recordings again in limited ways. I successfully recorded two songs with basic rhythm guitar tracks minus the embellishment of even brief lead guitar tracks. I custom made recording without open sections that would lend to lead tracks or simply allowed them to endure without the embellishment added. I also attempted to bring others in to fill those parts, finding talkers, rather than takers, to fill that void. I wished for things that failed in coming to fruition. I also began to develop a skill with the piano, though limited by an actual lack of skill with the instrument, I could record ideas with piano, to later transpose them into MIDI tracks, eliminating my inability in playing accurately in the process. In the heart of last winter, I was able to release two songs, "Letters," and "Another Day In Lonelysville." Then I went on into recording "Old Cowpunchers," song to find another thing possible. I got through playing those lead guitar parts. Doing so set back the progress of healing in the finger. I had to cease playing entirely for another extended period, a somewhat brief period, yet one I took stock in. Even though it was a setback of sorts, it also provided a sense that the finger was in truth healing. It was then that I recognized this situation is most likely temporary rather than permanent.
Now it is months later and confidence builds that the finger problem is fading. I am again experiencing another issue with muscle memory as I continue the transition back into playing the guitar with the index finger being used. What a confound situation to live through. The finger has to be allowed more time to heal because pushing at, and insisting on full use still causes it discomfort. So I have to continue to be restrained, which contributes to the new muscle memory issue because I still have to allow it more time to heal. It is the back and forth between use and non-use that I find magnifying this problem. It is also the reason for the two consecutive days of utter failure to find success at plans. As I wrote a couple of days ago, of a plan for marrying two songs together. I had no success with the process because of the finger. I was unaware that I couldn't play that first song of the two because of the rapid changes in playing its chords. That finger failed me for this. I am able to play those chords individually as well as in the order of play, it is the pace with which the song is played. 132 BPM is far from an extreme, as fast paced, but with this one it remains beyond my ability to do it accurately and in time. The old recording is too rough and out of time with the tracks time. That makes it impossible to make a MIDI track that follows its example. So after many attempts to redo the rhythm track, I had to concede to my reality, this is a no go for now at least. I worked at it for several hours beginning with the transition, figuring out just how I should do it,, by using a tempo ramp or an instant shift, concluding to the latter. I followed that by recording the rhythm track for the second song without a key change. That went pretty well, although it sounded distinctly different from the first track. That was not a big issue for this being a rough draft to build upon. Then I went back to work at the bass track beginning with the first song, only to recognize the situation with the existing track and my present inability to re-record it. That was rather demoralizing to discover, after exerting several hours of work and practice.
The following day with a thought to again build on previous success, having a positive attitude offered no assistance. I chose one of my jazz oriented songs, called “Blue Is My Color,” one of those tunes that I released absent the lead guitar parts, having what I would call three gaping holes in it. I had listened to it a few nights prior also. So off to work I went. This is a rather complicated piece, having duel opposing lead guitar parts which I have had composed for some time. I had played through it before yet that was two years prior. I got to work at practice, seemingly it should be quite easy to address this one. One of the two parts has been recorded well already, the other should be pretty simple to put down, well that was my thought in the least. It proved out otherwise however. I worked at it mostly practicing finding that groove, then after several attempts at recording, I realized I was unable to succeed. Finally I surrendered yet again.
This is true of how living unfolds sometimes. I am bound to continue through these sorts of days and times. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. I will come back to it, try again, eventually finding success again more than possible, as something behind me. On we go through the trials in living. We trip and fall sometimes then other times things fall into place as though it is magical.
No comments:
Post a Comment