Here to There and Back Again

Two years and a few months later, I am in a self-imposed rehabilitation. For one whom plays guitars, it has been a powerful journey enduring the loss of finger function. Being right handed, the left does the fingering on the fretboard. When the elemental basic index finger of that hand fails its functional ability, playing the instrument becomes near impossible. Logically speaking that is true after playing guitars and other stringed instruments for over 50 years, muscle memory is well ingrained into the activity of playing these instruments.

This finger began its decline gradually, showing up as stiffness and ever so slightly as painful. This occurred at the onset of playing only, a condition that would quickly fade through a song or two’s duration while warming up on any given day. Over a period of more than five months this condition progressively became worse. The associated pain was in the joint of the last digit as a focal point, yet it seemed to somewhat extend via the controlling tendons, well into the top of the hand. Another symptom that gradually developed was a clicking in that joint when flexing from the fully extended position. As the progression of these symptoms continued to increase, it began to ache after playing, then that too amplified over time. So it was late November of 2019, when I concluded to rest the finger for a few days, to see if it would reduce these symptoms. Letting a week pass without playing (a difficult issue with long standing desires and habitually playing daily) when playing again, the same conditions reoccurred. Initial stiffness and clicking in the, joint. This clicking had been and remained very faint. I’d have to hold my finger right next to my ear and flex it for it to be audibly noticeable. And again these symptoms receded rather quickly through playing a few songs. This time however, after ceasing play, the ache became much stronger. I concluded to rest the finger for a more extensive period, this time 3 weeks. It was Christmas day when I next played. This time the stiffness didn’t work out, yet I forced playing for 15 minutes, may be a half hour, before I concluded the situation to be intolerable. I concluded a further period of rest to be a requirement.

Resting the finger seemed impossible at this point. It truly hurt, near constantly, and engaging the finger for ordinary everyday function seemingly caused a furthering of its inflammation and severity of ache. I then tried splinting it, doing so for two weeks or more. At the end of this time the finger’s condition showed as much worse. I couldn’t bend the last joint but a few degrees, and it remained very sore. My grand passion had been removed completely, all ability to play music was fully gone. It was also winter in the north, where being outside is quite inhospitable.

By the onset of spring the pandemic had further altered life, not only was I unable to play music, quarantine conditions introduced an extended alone condition. Isolation with nothing to do, a bad, bad combination. But I thought to try playing a guitar one day, finding the same result as the previous attempt on Christmas day. I was devastated emotionally, but had to carry on in life, still without the things I know how to do and retain an ability for doing. Spine injuries previously stripped away the joyful activities I'd known in life, years before.

Watching a movie in May of 2020, the muse landed in my lap, presenting a new set of lyrics. I went to the piano, a cumbersome tool for me that was also limited by this finger issue. Now with a need to record at least a rough sketch of this new and forming song. I proceeded to do that very thing, it was difficult but possible, and I did it successfully, with the Old Cowpuncher’s Song being invented.

It was near this same time when listening to an old Muddy Waters interview that I found what he termed as the "Spanish" method of tuning a guitar, one of many open tunings that are used to facilitate playing with a slide. This seemed a novel concept. I have a very old parlor guitar, having a non-radius, flat fretboard. Thinking I should give this a try, I did. Within minutes I was playing and singing an old John Prine song, followed by yet another, and so on. Wow, over-joyed at the finding, playing music again, smiling face wide. Quickly however, I realized that this guitar was truly a poor candidate for this task. Soon there after the thought came of purchasing a dobro then tuning it with this same tuning scheme.

My march back toward playing had begun, a long journey had begun. A dobro arrived via a delivery truck one afternoon in June of 2020. Excitement found me opening the container, then the case, to view this instrument for the first time. After looking it over, and doing some further research as to properly tuning it in the recommended, normal dobro tuning, I did so. That was a standard G tuning which I had dabbled with on occasion with guitars. It was to me the same thing, a condition I preferred to avoid for guitars because of the limited flexibility toward my own musical preferences. I then tried tuning it as Muddy had done with his guitar as stated in that interview. With the dobro, this tuning worked but was less than satisfactory. The string gauge of the 6th string was inadequate to hold a D1. The string buzzed and rattled. Without a will to go out into public, or local stores, in the pandemic, and truly without a local vendor having access to custom strings like this. I then tried tuning with this same scheme one step higher finding a similar condition, and found I was unable to fulfill this previous hope. From there however, I did learn using finger picks and using my right hand with them, learning various picking patterns that I still use with guitar.

By July 2, 2020, I had pretty much concluded that there was little hope of a normal return to playing music, yet my own curiosity kept me looking at Craig’s List postings of musical instruments, when I saw what eventually altered the growing non-musical way that I was enduring at that time. There was posted a beautiful 1973 Martin D-35. Beautiful to look at in the least, and the price seemed reasonable to an extreme. On impulse, I wrote the owner, making arrangement to see it the following day, at which time I purchased the instrument. By the last week of August I got the instrument back from my luthier having some rather minor fixes performed. It was the days following having this instrument that I concluded to really learn to play with three fingers.

The injured index finger knew its place having been an integral part of playing all these years. Where it retained the ability to form the bar for bar chords, that was the limit of its functionality in playing a guitar. That last digit’s joint was by now regaining a slight percentage of its flexibility, yet retained its pain sensory nerves when engaged even a little bit. It seemed as though there was a club on my hand when attempting to play with that finger sticking out by itself, actually in the way. With these limiting conditions I began to play again, gradually, fighting it all the way. The brain knows how to position the hand for playing chords, but one way, with the index finger. It became a conscious task to remove the reflex behavior of muscle memory, filled with countless errors and countless alarming halts from excruciating pain from the automatic engagement of the index finger when attempting to play songs known well for years. So shocking it was that in mid stream of a song, the yikes sensation would be so strong as to fully wipe the memories ability to cognate where in a song the previous moment had been, causing a complete destruction of musical flow, dead stop. This reoccurring condition caused deep frustration at times, but that will to play music again would overcome. There were many occasions when these instances caused my putting the instrument down, with a sense of hopelessness sweeping over me. Yet I stayed with it, near daily, practicing, gaining, practicing, learning new ways to form chords, that I could no longer play with the same shapes used for decades. I gained enough that I found a return to recording possible. It remained that there were many limits to playing with a club finger on my hand, some of my songs were fully off limits. Still I was again playing music and somewhat back into a creative space.

The healing continued through this long period. I noticed that I could again place my finger tip on the fretboard, limited to the lower register strings only. Doing so however caused a degree of inflammation in the finger disallowing its use in that way for days. Eventually I recognized that recovery was increasing. I’d use the finger on the three lower register strings in a session, to awaken the following day with it being really stiff, and at night achy. By paying attention to these results, if I were to limit my use of the finger to use, upon occasion, maintaining minimal total use, I noticed further improvement and less ache afterward. This very slow process of very slow recovery continued through the summer of 2021 and into the fall, when I began stretching use to the higher register strings. At first just a little, then gradually increasing its use.

In December 2021, I could again use the index finger nearly the normal way. It would be stiff after and slow to react toward the many required placements demanded by play normally. I then found a reverse muscle memory issue happening. A lot of mental confusion in the brain, it would send signal to the wrong finger, having reached a degree of muscle memory in playing three fingered for more than a year. By early January I had recognized that normal play was again available. I consciously stopped playing in the three fingered way, to rebuild an old trusty method, realizing how fortunate I am that the finger, well the body can overcome. Being older means that recovery is much slower than when young, but it occurs none the less. The journey continues though. I still notice the mental confusion when playing through fast changes, playing lead phrases or simply performing quick chord changes. This journey is still continuing now. I still note some difficulties and some of those symptoms. I truly believe that I can fully recover, while paying strict attention to the symptoms, and reacting appropriately by giving it rest, and or not overdoing what my will wishes for, playing music. And the beat goes on….

Banjo Fits

From the extended continuing isolation, the music and my will to progress continues.  I use the word banjo in this title purposefully having been drawn toward its sound yet again.  I obtained a Deering Basic banjo probably in, or near 1990.  It was made in 1978, coming to me, via my former sister-in-law.  At that time I had a desire to play a banjo, but had never touched one prior.  I fooled around with the instrument for a while but could not make sense of it.  That 5th string continually disrupted what I consider the “normal” progression of musical notes raising pitch toward the bottom of the set of strings, with stringed instruments, and woodwinds for that matter, thus its case began collecting dust on the shelf.  Occasionally I would attempt, in a less than whole hearted way, only to put it back on the shelf.  In earlier life, I had also attempted to learn to finger pick guitar to experience the same kind of result.  My ignorance at that time combined with a stubborn will that disallowed the necessary time and methodology to learn finger picking stood in my way.  It is difficult to overcome what one will disallow.  This condition remained for too many years.

One of my former musician friends and myself had been jamming one evening, it must have been 2002 or near when the condition of my mindset was introduced to finger picking in a constructive way.  In our session, we were goofing with what seemed an odd but attractive chord structure that led to a collaboratively created musical composition.  We gave it a name, Nomber Juan.  This friend was finger-picking a pattern on guitar, I was simply playing my normal way, strumming and or picking out a lead progression with this tune we’d created.  Days later, I asked him to show me how to do that picking pattern.  He sent me a chart/tab showing the picking pattern with finger numbers included.  I fooled with that for some days, but again the personal resistance to take and allow enough determined time in practice got in my way, yet again.  The difference in this instance being the chart/tab was in my possession and stored within my computer system.

More years followed, same results with my ways intact and dominant.  The condition changed sometime after writing a song in 2010, Aspen Tree.  This composition as I was playing it proved very difficult, flat picking, but at the time I pushed on employing the methodology I knew.  By this time I was working with another musician in our group Tea & Eye, where I introduced the song for us to work up.  My flat-picking style continued until, as a group we took a hiatus.  During this period, I found the will to play this song by employing a finger picking style, this time I spent the necessary expenditure of time to practice the pattern methodology, learning to use opposing fingers (separate hands) independently.  This was a formidable task for this brain to overcome.  There after with a new determination I began what seems a lengthy period of learning and appreciating this long fought personal battle for finger-picking.

Another year or two passed, the banjo remained on the shelf, but I’d met and performed with another musician who plays a banjo seemingly quite well.  One day he came over for a visit and I showed him my banjo.  It wasn’t long there after, when he said, the banjo was horrible, how it is set up is awful, followed by will you allow me to take it apart and try to fix it.  I said yes, and soon there after, I was finding necessary tools to accommodate his exploration.  I was rather surprised, having never ventured into the construction of a banjo or how they are put together.  It is so straight forward, if one knows some basic techniques of stringed instrument set-up.  At that time, I had recently been doing my own research and learning of these techniques for my electric guitars.  Well within an hour or so, the banjo was apart, then reconstructed by a person knowing how.  The instrument had been taken apart, sometime before I had obtained it, but wrongly put back together.  When we had finished the setup of the banjo was vastly improved, yet not perfect, and knowingly so.  Available time constraints disallowed further adjustments.  But witnessing the process allowed my understanding to adjust it further.  Soon there after, I did just that.  It was vastly improved but again the 5th string offered the mental conundrum.

I then began to increase my desire to play this instrument.  It is a relatively good one for my needs.  Now with a basic understanding that I can overcome learning the instrument, I went to the internet to find a tutorial for learning.  This presented another display of my ignorance, having had no previous exposure other than my own stumblings, I’d not realized the differing methods of playing styles that are associated with banjos.  I began by trying the claw-hammer method.  It is pretty strange, kind of foreign to any personal expectation.  Simultaneously, I introduced myself to the three finger picking method.  I began the process of learning both methods, a little at a time, remaining unsure as to what kind of results either would offer.  I only knew for sure, how much I am attracted to the sound of a well played banjo.  I was just beginning to get some kind of feel for the instrument that made sense, that could lead to knowing it and incorporating it into my music.  It was during this time frame when my finger problem hit like a hammer stopping all of my music.

Now it is 2022, a new year and the finger is returning to function gradually and with this hope that it can/will fully recover, I renew a focus toward the banjo.  These past two years have offered more than its hardship in isolation, it also allowed a furthering of my abilities in finger-picking.  Obtaining the dobro under the conditions of those days provided the need to further utilize finger-picking.  That period furthered my abilities therein.  I wish it were effortless at this point yet effort remains a requirement.  But I have turned the corner having decided to utilize the three fingered approach/style for banjo.  It was but last week that I opened the banjo case again really, where as I started anew.  I went back to the bookmarks of banjo tutorials, stored in the computer.  I first when to the claw-hammer approach, then directly to the three fingered approach.  Previously I recall watching an old Bela Fleck demonstration video recorded long ago, although I hadn’t stored its link.  Being non-germane to the topic, over the years I have had a growing appreciation for Bela Fleck’s contribution to music, both with his unique talent and his outreaching collaborative displays of music and cooperation.  With this in mind, I had bookmarked a YouTube search, back in those days while looking for banjo tutorials.  Seeing this last week, I opened the link of a somewhat recent demonstration by Bela on his method of playing.  It was then that I realized that the three fingered method he demonstrated in this video as the style I will learn.  Since that day last week, I have been practicing this methodology daily for multiple hours.  Maybe it shall stick?

Now that the finger is coming back into use, greatly improving the possibilities and quality of recording my music, in listening to some current projects, I realized that the banjo playing there in could have a delightful result.  This is the means of my inspiration to rekindle the idea of knowing how to play the banjo.  I believe it is a good fit for some of my songs.  There in the similar story as told before comes into play, I lack compadres, willing to fill the roll.  Yet with determination, I may overcome.

And now to further the aside topic, Bela Fleck.  One evening in this past week, having reached past two hours of banjo practice, I decided to put the instrument down.  After closing its case I returned to the computer, with the YouTube video still loaded in the browser window.  Looking through the numerous listings on the right side there in, I saw another Bela Fleck thing.  It is titled Bela Fleck -Throw Down Your Heart (2008) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJt6jn0xT8A  I then clicked the link to become engrossed in a wondrous film that stunned me in wonderment.  I recommend that, if you the reader are, one whom loves music and its harmonious potentials, watch this video.  It shall make a pleasing mark on your conscious mind.

House On a Hill Studio

House On a Hill Studio, is what I officially coined, as the name for my music production location.  Honestly the space is my living room rather than an elaborate decked out recording studio, with isolation booths, a control room to hold modern sophisticated systems for capture, to record and play-back audio signals.  This studio being in my living room, is the computer (running the Ubuntu Studio operating system) from which I write these words, having an external audio sound-card, several microphones and the wires to connect the parts together.  I spend most of my waking hours sitting on the office chair, looking at this desktop computer screen, doing what I do every day of my life at present.  Only some of the time spent here is dedicated to music production.  I was sitting in this chair while listening to a geology podcast this morning as I drank the morning’s coffee, looking through these windows at the snow that gracefully adorns winter’s white, now covering this part of the planet today.  It is quite cold out there at -17° C, at the moment, yet comfortably pleasant, I sit in this chair.  But I digress from the topic, House On a Hill Studio, originated as the name of a song I wrote many years ago.

Back in 2018 I began recording the song, "House On a Hill", but like so many, it fell from focus as one too many grains of sand on a beach, having yet to reach a completion as a song for others to hear.  Several days ago, it found its way back into my mind, then into a rejuvenating space, where its former recording status became a new beginning as a project.  At one time I played this song frequently, and I knew it well, yet that was many years yonder, as I look back at time.  Even so, it was written in this room where I am now giving it its due focus.  When I recorded it in 2018, it was purely conjured up from memory, which after working on what was then this recording for many hours, in trying to record its vocal track well, while singing with the lyrics sheet opened, I realized I had missed one verse completely.  The brain can show up as flawed, the memory back then had err.  Discovery of this situation led to having to start the process completely anew.

Thus yesterday I devoted most of my working at music with a new recording, one that contains all the lyrics.  Doing these recordings fully alone, my limits are well recognized as to the instruments I am capable of playing well enough to record them.  At present with the finger still an issue, guitar is really the only thing I am able to play with competence.  I use computer work-a-rounds for the remainder, most of that being in some form of MIDI.

I am quite sure that those whom have a well trained ear can near always recognize recordings that implement MIDI, as most of mine have, yet in order to break from this use, requires one of two possibilities. The first being myself learning to play all the instruments I intend for the music I write and compose, or two, finding associates that will fill in for the spaces where I lack personal ability.  I really don’t see the latter happening for reasons I need not explain here.  The point being that I know MIDI is somewhat inferior, lacking flex, humanity itself, and fully frowned upon by "the music industry," & "musician unions"; etc., for their justified reasons, yet those are conditions outside my own personal realm.  I have all these songs that I wish to share with the world, and in that, MIDI’s use can help me achieve the goal.

So I was able to import the midi bass track from the previous incomplete composition, as a basis to begin the new recording.  I then used the written lyrics as a separate template to work from.  It was the lyric sheet itself that had brought the flaw to my attention, because I had discovered that forgotten verse in an attempt to mark positions in the edit view (of Ardour Audio Workstation) recording to correspond workstation positions with positions in the vocal lines.  This is very helpful in finding track progress for playback, while editing recordings.  The structure of the music is quite recognizable in doing this, where as looking at the written poetic verse is seen for its story, rather than its structure, at least to myself.  Having discovered the structure in the process, I decided to use it strictly in the process of recreating the MIDI bass track.  I noted that there were four verses with a strict form, a middle section that I can’t call a chorus or a refrain, but it has a unique structure repeated once, followed by a variation in that structure of the other four verses.  Using the structure as a basis made the process of creating an accurate depiction of the lyrical phrasing to make the MIDI bass track, seem both accurate and quickly completed.  With this in mind, I went on to the drum track (using Hydrogen), where again, after writing out each individual drum kit section, equal to the lyrical patterns, this too came together quite quickly as compared to my struggles of the past.  I suppose one could say I am continuing to learn new tricks.  I should add that I know I have many more lessons to learn along this path. I then listened to the two, at least rough tracks simultaneously noting them as complementary before moving on to phase next, the vocal and guitar tracks.

First of all I had to actually play and sing the song to the MIDI tracks in order to verify that my thought of charting was actually true.  The next issue is based in my inability to use or read written sheet music, although for me, it is not an issue, it is a life long way of doing things.  My process is to make a rough track for each part simultaneously, allowing the bleed through.  That is why I called it rough.  I then recorded that rough track, putting the vocal and the guitar on a single track   This then can eliminate mental lapses while recording final tracks, of which I seem to have many at times in recording.  The vocal lyric and or the guitar assisted by the position markers of edit view in the computer window, all help to allow knowing where in the song I am while recording.  Generally this is not needed, yet there are moments in the process, while having to keep a mental picture of so many parameters of the process in every moment, when this is quite an assistance.  That is my process in the least.  Yes it would be much better to have someone to assist with the entire process, I believe that would be termed, a recording engineer or producer, yet I do it all alone right here sitting before this computer screen.

With some luck I may soon  have a complete recording of House On a Hill to work with in the mixing process.  But that is in what I hope shall be the near future.  Time and experience shall tell what actually happens.  I’ll happily continue in the process, where sometimes it all aligns throughout the process.  Then there are the other times, such as yesterday, discovering a brain fart overlooked for 3 years, then changing the course taken.  It is a fun and unique adventure that I seem to love.  House On a Hill, the song and the studio, over time, it is, and will be, me hopes (wink).

Another Part In The Puzzle

 It seems that resultant patterns of success can bring a misconception.  Recent weeks have resulted in a pleasing string of project completions.  It was then followed by two consecutive days of total and unexpected failures.  This is the way that living shows up at times.  Certainly this instance is far from a new phenomenon in experience, even to, these instances can chip at ones confidence if allowed.  I have experienced strings of similar result over time.  I sometimes think it more frequent  to fail than to succeed, yet,this too is a false image, conjured up by the psyche.  There is always a reason of circumstance to influence outcomes.  It is unlikely that life is meant to be anything specific.  As now passes through time, impressions form that may be unsound based in the circumstances that seem to align as significant.  Thus as individuals these contribute to what forms as an impression that may falsely alter our thoughts.

I had a string of successes during these recent weeks that are directly tied to the issue that stopped my musical progress in late 2019.  I was on a significant roll then too.  Having finally gained a hard earned understanding of the digital audio workstation I use, this was showing up in ease of use.  The struggles of learning the methodology employed began providing dividends in the form of personal success at recording.  This was augmented by finally attaining high quality instruments which themselves were inspiring to work with.  I'd finally reached the big compilation of nearly a decade long project that could lead to recording a lifetime of songwriting.  Then the door slammed shut.  I had the tools and an understanding when the finger problem stopped me in my tracks.  That was soon to be followed by the damn pandemic, isolation and a deepening struggle to make sense of what is.  Why?

With this autumn coming on, the finger was gradually releasing its lasting hold on my ability to proceed at will.  Even though the inability had begun to noticeably fall away, I recognized the need to proceed with caution limiting its use while playing.  This finger, just a part of one's hand seemingly insignificant when function allows normal use, became a force changing everything.  Having this nearly two years of hellish struggle, seeming it was about to relent its grip, provided an opportunity to regain the path that it had blocked.  A lot of uncertainty had built up over time's course, particularly while learning to and playing in a three fingered fashion, because doing so was notably prohibitive.  Some of the songs were impossible to play at all.  Gradually I did overcome some of this through utilization of alternate forms in making chords, but there were other songs demanding uses impossible to achieve.  Thus the uncertainty that I would ever reach a level of play that came close to what had once been freely available at will, would ever return.

The struggle of playing with three fingers began by weaning that index finger from use.  The habit of fifty some years had developed what is often referred to as muscle memory.  To bust through the years of habitual reflex may sound simple, yet reality is far from that.  I found it a tremendous struggle to deactivate my index finger when playing almost everything.  The index finger for a guitar player is engaged for nearly every chord played and is the master positioner in playing lead as well.  It took many months to develop an ability to play and sing again with any sense of fluidity.  I recall trying to play and sing songs, to find this neutralization of the index finger from habit would break all concentration, to the degree that all sense of place would vanish completely.  I could be in mid phrase, singing when the finger would send a jolt of pain (from engagement) that would stop me dead without recall of where I was in the song's progression.  That condition went on for months, but eventually that condition released, the index finger was mostly disengaged except when deliberate for use as a bar, for bar chords or an occasional B7.  The latter of those uses near always resulted in a lasting inflammation.  As this transition continued, I at times would deliberately try doing things which would engage the index finger, only as a progress report, because I had the need of hope that this condition, a messed up finger would heal over time, and gradually I noticed an improvement.  By this time, I'd successfully broken the old muscle memory problem that had plagued me for so many months and I had somewhat resigned that playing well was likely and actually, gone forever.

Hope though lingered within through the ins and outs of life, struggling along playing songs near daily, doing some recordings again in limited ways.    I successfully recorded two songs with basic rhythm guitar tracks minus the embellishment of even brief lead guitar tracks.  I custom made recording without open sections that would lend to lead tracks or simply allowed them to endure without the embellishment added.  I also attempted to bring others in to fill those parts, finding talkers, rather than takers, to fill that void.  I wished for things that failed in coming to fruition.  I also began to develop a skill with the piano, though limited by an actual lack of skill with the instrument, I could record ideas with piano, to later transpose them into MIDI tracks, eliminating my inability in playing accurately in the process.  In the heart of last winter, I was able to release two songs, "Letters," and "Another Day In Lonelysville."  Then I went on into recording "Old Cowpunchers," song to find another thing possible.  I got through playing those lead guitar parts.  Doing so set back the progress of healing in the finger.  I had to cease playing entirely for another extended period, a somewhat brief period, yet one I took stock in.  Even though it was a setback of sorts, it also provided a sense that the finger was in truth healing.  It was then that I recognized this situation is most likely temporary rather than permanent.

Now it is months later and confidence builds that the finger problem is fading.  I am again experiencing another issue with muscle memory as I continue the transition back into playing the guitar with the index finger being used.  What a confound situation to live through.  The finger has to be allowed more time to heal because pushing at, and insisting on full use still causes it discomfort.  So I have to continue to be restrained, which contributes to the new muscle memory issue because I still have to allow it more time to heal.  It is the back and forth between use and non-use that I find magnifying this problem.  It is also the reason for the two consecutive days of utter failure to find success at plans.  As I wrote a couple of days ago,  of a plan for marrying two songs together.  I had no success with the process because of the finger.  I was unaware that I couldn't play that first song of the two because of the rapid changes in playing its chords.  That finger failed me for this.  I am able to play those chords individually as well as in the order of play, it is the pace with which the song is played.  132 BPM is far from an extreme, as fast paced, but with this one it remains beyond my ability to do it accurately and in time.  The old recording is too rough and out of time with the tracks time.  That makes it impossible to make a MIDI track that follows its example.  So after many attempts to redo the rhythm track, I had to concede to my reality, this is a no go for now at least.  I worked at it for several hours beginning with the transition, figuring out just how I should do it,, by using a tempo ramp or an instant shift, concluding to the latter.  I followed that by recording the rhythm track for the second song without a key change.  That went pretty well, although it sounded distinctly different from the first track.  That was not a big issue for this being a rough draft to build upon.  Then I went back to work at the bass track beginning with the first song, only to recognize the situation with the existing track and my present inability to re-record it.  That was rather demoralizing to discover, after exerting several hours of work and practice.

The following day with a thought to again build on previous success, having a positive attitude offered no assistance.  I chose one of my jazz oriented songs, called “Blue Is My Color,” one of those tunes that I released absent the lead guitar parts, having what I would call three gaping holes in it.  I had listened to it a few nights prior also.  So off to work I went.  This is a rather complicated piece, having duel opposing lead guitar parts which I have had composed for some time.  I had played through it before yet that was two years prior.  I got to work at practice, seemingly it should be quite easy to address this one.  One of the two parts has been recorded well already, the other should be pretty simple to put down, well that was my thought in the least.  It proved out otherwise however.  I worked at it mostly practicing finding that groove, then after several attempts at recording, I realized I was unable to succeed.  Finally I surrendered yet again. 

This is true of how living unfolds sometimes.  I am bound to continue through these sorts of days and times.  Sometimes it works and other times it doesn't.  I will come back to it, try again, eventually finding success again more than possible, as something behind me.  On we go through the trials in living.  We trip and fall sometimes then other times things fall into place as though it is magical.

A Transitional Task

It is another winter's morning with some additional snow falling, none the less the music is on my mind.  The past two days unfolded with other things taking priority, to the degree that music remained for the most part as mere unfulfilled desire.  The exception was in having an hour or so free that I chose to re-record a preliminary sketch of a project left behind since its origin in late 2019, immediately prior to the finger problems stopping my musical abilities.

Back then, I'd an idea to combine two individual songs written independently back in the mid 1970s.  Their lyrical subject, although separate, seemed to lend credence to the idea, where unknowingly in the writing, one line in the song "South Carolina," pointed directly to the other, "Town of Blowing Snow."  Maybe it is a stretch of my imagination to think of them as related in this way, then still, I could abandon the idea, yet without a marriage joining them, these results would remain unknown.  There is a serious issue in attempting this, that is the drastic difference in tempo when comparing the two individual songs, one beside the other.  The two individual tempos seem needed for these uniquely differing songs to successfully join.   The intention is to either ramp the tempo through a transition of two to three measures or make it sudden like the snap of a finger.  This is yet to be decided.  Actually the entirety of the idea has yet to be decided, although I wish to experiment with it enough to make an informed decision.

Back in 2019, I recorded this idea very roughly and differently.  Then I thought to have the two songs in differing keys.  By ramping the transition through two or three measures, because the first song's tempo is 132 BPM and the second is 96 BPM.  This transition also shifts key from C incorporating the half step between C and D into the transition with the second song being in D.  In those passing months while not playing music for the most part, for a period of eight months, this attempted recording project,  sandwiching these songs together, faded from holding any emphasis  There are several other beginnings in recording that also lost all traction, during this time period.  Getting back to playing music really took another eleven months or so, because I began the journey back, by learning to play without using my index finger for all except using it as the bar of a bar chord.  I could barely use the tip of that finger and even then it was problematic, used only for a B7 but sparingly, due to the issues at the time.  A few nights ago after working at some other recordings, with the fatigue of night having become obvious, I thought to use the time to review some of the many recordings that remain incomplete.  I reviewed this rough recording, recalling the intention.  In review, I concluded the change of key as a bad move, because doing so takes the pitch too close to the extreme upper extent of my vocal range.  I think it is aging that makes this more pronounced.  There were days when my vocal range was not as obviously an issue, yet now is now.  Singing that particular song in D causes a notable loss of quality, at least that is what my opinion tells.  

The methodology I use in recording is a combination of analog recordings beside MIDI recordings.  I lack the talent to play all instruments, and have only sat on a drum kit's throne two times. back in the late 1960s, then discovering drumming as quite foreign to coordinate.  I have and do sometimes play a bass, yet there too, it is so seldom that I have not mastered the technique, specifically the scale length difference to become a proficient player of the instrument.  Keyboards are the same, I have one although my playing it is too seldom to express ideas accurately with  a required cohesion to incorporate into recording.  I would much prefer having real people contributing to these recording sessions as to being reliant on the computer and its MIDI capabilities, yet I have but one time been in the presence of this preference and that was other than a recording session.  So the limitations of an artificial musician supplemented in its stead is very stiff and sometimes difficult to work with.  There is neither flex nor understanding in a computer's program.  Anyhow, MIDI makes my entire rhythm section.  This rhythm section has to be programmed prior to use, so  my method is to make the rough recording of a song through my guitar and singing as a starting point.  I figure out what the tempo is before beginning a rough recording.  I'll sometimes make a simple drum track of a snare and bass drum combination to hold down a beat simply for use to acquire the rough recording of the song.  After that is complete, I will go back and make a MIDI bass track as well as designing a more inclusive drum track.  For this pre-existing recording I now had two separate issues with need for address, the key and the tempo transitions simultaneously combined in one section.  The transition that binds the two songs together had a somewhat stepped transition to allow a shift of keys atop a ramped tempo change, I now will remove the shift of keys.  Since the recording is fully a rough draft I could simplify the process through the use of punch-out, to deal with both the transition and the entirety of the second song, fully eliminating need to redo the first song. I got through it on my second attempt, having forgotten to shut off the telephone, it happens that it disrupted my first attempt to record the transition and the second song.  Soon there after, I had to halt the process because of my schedule to do other things.  

I hope to get back to this project later today.  Now that the preliminary rough out is done, I can program a bass track, then move on to a drum track.  It will  likely take up a majority of my energy, provided that complications don't interfere.  If they do, I may fail to complete both of these today.  Again as I've already stated, I don't know how this idea will manifest itself, upon completion.  I may not like it at all only to disregard it in its entirety.  I don't know as I am not the magical wizard possessing  a crystal ball to observe the future through.

What is knowing musical sound?

 This question plagues me relentlessly as I work with my music.  On occasion I review my previously published tunes, only to think, how could I have thought this was good?  I have a friend whom has a weekly local radio show that I seldom listen to because I rarely listen to radio.  On this particular day I did remember at the "right time," and chose to turn on the radio stream.  The moment I clicked the listen button, he was in the midst of announcing one of my tunes, yet that specific moment was after he’d referenced the track title and source, allowing my surprise upon hearing those first few notes, but that is not the point.  It had been a long time since I reviewed the recording and I found it quite a shock to hear.  What I had once considered to be quite acceptable, now sounded horrific to my ear.  I was stunned, and after the show’s conclusion, I called my friend to thank him for playing my music.  I then told him that I thought it sounded horrible, and he replied, "it sounded good to me!"  That damn personal critic is one of the things that I find difficult to deal with.  Soon there after, I went to work to alter the sound that I found so harsh in that song, in order to replace its content on my website.

What is quality music anyway?  I somehow don’t think my opinion of it changes very much over time.  Although, my opinion may change, isn’t it all subjective, without regard to whom questions?  I think the situation is one of loosing objectivity upon becoming immersed in a project, to evenly critique in the short term, due to personal attachment, after the countless hours of putting it together with an intention of doing it well.  As humans possessing a determination in music, we would naturally seek to present it in the best form possible.  I know on occasion I have found myself displeased upon review of some of my works, after a long period of time has passed.

I don’t know what it requires to overcome the uncertainty that now arises when reaching for finality in a recording.  So I test out my suppositions without knowing what or if there is a real quantifiable method for evaluating a recorded musical piece, or song.  The subjective nature of it will likely continue along with the changes of style over time.  Yesterday I concluded that I could mix a song differently a countless number of times hoping to know that what I’d done would provide an answer, only to find the same issue looking back at me.  What is good?  I don’t know how to quantify good in order to know, so I fiddle with slight degrees of alteration in the equalizer of a single track, or maybe bump a fader up a ting or down a smidgen, in another, purposefully, all while hoping to eek out a better result.  I listen to it to find it different, yet question the value in what I hear.  Finally in conclusion, without any true understanding, having only a hint suggested by my momentary preference.  Lacking this understanding takes me to, it is what it is and I don’t actually know with anything other than subjectivity what can make it sound better.  Because I don’t know what better is, with frustration in the process, I posted the song to the website. Then again later, while working on another song that was at the same juncture of final mix, I again faced the same situation.  I still find it quite a puzzle and I sometimes feel stuck.  To stop at stuck is unlikely to produce results, so I proceed into phase next questioning my understanding of what makes a recording as good as it can be.  More substantial, is it good enough?

I guess I have to guess, knowing that a personal bias will always exist.  Still I desire to remove this situation that seems like an endless loop that shall continue eternally.  And then still, maybe some epiphany or something other will create a space allowing my ear to know.  Conversely, it could be that a long recess is required in order to recognize the difference, after working at a specific project for long consecutive periods of time.

Recording, A Journey

This day begins similar to any typical winter’s morning here, the Palouse region of north-central Idaho, dim, gray, and what most would term as, other than warm.  Looking out the window seems to bring memories of the pandemic into focus, as I sit in the same chair, in the same location, on the day when I wrote "Another Day In Lonleysville," even-though; that occurrence was in the midst of summer.  The changes I felt then, remain quite forceful to my outlook, a condition that remains ever present in the back of my mind.  At least I don’t have to live within those conditions while sitting here, safe inside  this isolated space away from those potential threats, allowing my continuance to express these things I hold dear that remain as a passion and focus.  The music I have written is expressing much of my own story, sometimes showing the deep inner feelings that shape my own understandings of living the human condition, reflections of some admired musical influences, while other instances are purely fictional presentations.  My musical expression has been an underlying force or drive if you will, since the Christmas of 1971, having been gifted an acoustic guitar.  It wasn’t a great guitar, but it was playable, providing a condition that I had never felt prior.

The above is a fact, one that provided a condition I retain.  It has gradually transformed into a life force over time as other foci fell away based in increased disabilities.  Presently, my days are near always shaped toward music in some way, thinking it, playing it, reviewing it, and listening to what others have created.  Having written and composed many songs previously, the year 2000 came along as a transition through technology.  I purchased a replacement computer and digital audio recording software to go with it,, having a belief that the purchase would fulfill a dream of many years.  It turns out that this allowed only a starting point in learning about this kind of technology, although; both the software and my abilities to use it, combined as very limiting.  I didn’t understand the additional hardware requirements at that time, further complicating the limitations of the hardware I then possessed.  These details are provided as facts that can but barely define the journey taken, since the days of cassette recordings and semi-professional recording experiences designed for the purpose of my self expression in musical form.  Phase next began after becoming disillusioned with the highly commercialized market in computer operating systems where it interfaced with my own financial status.  Its software becoming a cash cow rather than a system designed to assist the betterment of humanity.  Its potential being lost for the sake of personal financial gain of the few, rather than of the general population.  Somewhere, I heard about the Linux operating system which sounded much more appealing to my nature.  It was 2008 when I purchased my next replacement computer (cash cow inputs) with the intent of shifting to this "other" kind of computer operating system.  My own ignorance, lack of education in computer language I found to be a huge barrier in fulfilling this desire to escape the mainstream capitalistic cash cow that could allow my progression toward recording my music.  Gradually I was able to learn enough about computers to escape the big cash cow of software.  That first expensive piece of digital audio software, had become obsolete so quickly and would not function with a (then) modern computer system, and I lacked the funds to purchase it again!  Again just the facts that let me arrive at the conditions which shaped what is now possible.  More years and a steady focus allowed for the gain in how I am now able to record the works of my lifetime for the purpose of self expression, my art, in the form of music, to be taken in by anyone whom chooses to observe its content, freely.

Just Writing

 So here it is over a year without writing any lyrics to anything new.  The times are different and a lot of influential change continues.  Two of the strongest being the pandemic and an injured left index finger.  Both in their separate ways, have altered my interface with music.  The pandemic removed normal living from possibility, as a man of science.  I pay strong attention to the direction that informed opinion of professional medical science provides.  Thus as an older person, I remain quite vigilant as to the potential of exposure to the virus, which to me represents being alone much more than not and much more than in any other period of my life experience.  When I do go out to get supplies, which is nearly the only thing I will allow, I remain quite aware, mask up and keep my distance from others always.  That is in itself a challenge, but the larger portion of this issue is the prolonged isolation.  Just three months before the viral plague hit, the finger issue came along which came to a head on Christmas day of 2019, the last time I played a guitar for many many profound months.  This was a life changer because playing guitars has been a major part of my life and somewhat my personal driving force for decades. Being right-handed, the sudden inability to use that left index finger to press on a guitar string, took my music away, leaving me feeling quite lost.  Beside that it was the deep of winter, where I normally pretty much live in isolation for the most part in any case due to my growing lack of will to drive in “winter driving conditions.”  It has simply gotten too crazy out there on the long highway drive of open roads where people seem to think it fine to drive 60 miles per hour on ice and snow covered roads.  Not me!  I know that studded snow tires, four-wheel drive, all wheel drive, none will effectively allow breaking to work when suddenly needed.  Studs probably help a bit, but just that, a bit.  Being older and knowing that I don’t belong in a vehicle at any time by my own nature, shows me this.  So I changed my way, adapting to the crazy of modern driving by removing myself from it under those conditions.  Then come a pandemic that altered the rest of life, while being unable to play my music.  It was and remains somewhat a time of profound personal change.

So winter removed my will to make any doctor appointments, for reasons stated above.  There are no doctors or medical facilities locally so that drive is the only way to reach for any medical assistance, so I made a plan to get with that the following April.  But before April came around the pandemic ceased all will to enter any medical facility, knowing that ill people go to medical facilities, that condition magnified in my mind to the degree of making zero attempts until late August of 2020.  That didn’t work out so well as many years ago my personal physician closed down practice and I had not acquired another physician, thus I had to find a new one.  Long story but, it didn’t work out very effectively.  This doctor insisted that I was suffering from arthritis, without actually listening to what I was saying.  We did however get an x-ray, which showed no arthritis.  The problem then was the doctor was too slow in reviewing the x-ray report and providing a referral, which pushed me past my no driving or making appointments during winter.  So that was totally a fruitless process that provided an incompetent person a lot of money for providing near nothing.

I survived the winter and spring of 2020 rather demoralized at first without music, then compounded by the throws of the pandemic, quarantine and full on isolation.  I did write a song lyric in May, but playing it, that was near impossible.  Even so I sucked up the pain and discomfort of the finger enough to compose that tune, yet after that point, the finger again entirely disallowed its use for playing the instrument.  They were challenging times, seemingly my music was beyond reach when one day I stumbled upon a game changer.  If memory serves me, it was late May when listening to an old Muddy Waters interview recording, on something in my archive (I don’t recall the actual source), the interviewer asked, so how do you tune your guitar.  He answered saying something about it, terming it as “Spanish Tuning.”  I’d never heard of such a thing, but he then played each individual string on the guitar in his hand.  I stopped the recording, grabbed a guitar, then backed up the recording  to hear the notes so that I could figure out what they are: D (6th string), G, B, D, G, D (1st string).  Now I have this very old guitar having a flat neck, so I got it out, tuned it to this Spanish Tuning, got out a slide that has been knocking around the place here unused for the most part for many years, put the guitar on my lap, and within 5 minutes I was playing an old John Prine tune!  I was quite amazed or maybe astonished is a better fitting adjective.  

That changed my world.  I could play, it was limiting doing so in a keyed way, yet playing, singing songs again, quickly almost effortlessly, which filled my soul with hope and joy, bringing a smile to my entire being.  Sure it was weird, one playing this old low quality parlor guitar that I had gotten for 50 bucks at a yard sale some years prior for for the purpose of having something to take into situations unsuitable for a nice guitars, but playing music again, that was full on special. 

In the following days, I came up with an idea, that this tuning could be used on a square-neck dobro, so after some searching over the coming days, I ordered one from a shop that I’ve used before.  Several days later, I received it, a Dobro (brand) square-neck dobro.  I tuned it to that Spanish Tuning, to find that the strings are not good at holding the low tone D 6th string.  So much so that I decided I’d have to get a special order string or two in order to compensate.  Of course life where I live it doesn’t offer up supplies of most kinds, much less musical things.  Still I did proceed to learn some proper music with the dobro as well as building a better foundation for finger picking.  I don’t play it very much now but…  

Then came July, and an evening looking at the local section for musical instruments on Craig’s List, where I found a 1973 Martin D-35 at a very unbelievable price.  My inquiry led to purchasing it the next day.  I realized that it was a very sound instrument, beautiful, but the owner had had some crazy stupid modifications done in its history.  Knowing that it was a simple fix to make this instrument sing, I did so over the course of a time span.  I took it to a very good luthier I have trusted for many years.  I retrieved it from him in late August and my odyssey of learning to play with three fingers began.

Over the following year I accomplished that pretty well, bringing music back into my life an a daily basis.  It has been quite a journey that now finds my index finger coming back toward normal, or nearly healed from what had occurred.  I have yet a way to go but I am retraining it at this point.  I am still kind of limited in its use when trying to play too much, greater than 2 hours as my will so often pushes me into.  I now know to pay attention to its sensitivity and stop using it for some particular things when it signals me to stop.  The long and short of it is the journey has been long, frustrating and other things, yet the journey is providing a lot of joy now as I am again working with my music most days/nights through time.  I can’t foresee performance in my near future as the pandemic continues its rampage on humanity, but I can at least accept that with music back in my life.  There is a lot that I can do, some others that I have to avoid yet for a while, but I believe this finger is going to be fully functional again in the coming months.  The pandemic, I am not so sure about.  

Last night, laying in bed before dropping off into that space of dreamy slumber, I thought of days long ago, when I would right a different blog like thing nearly daily about the joys of snow skiing, when I could and did do that near daily during the ski season.  Reflections on this blog being more or less abandon due to not writing music as the above complications have played out, is a thing I know as true.  As this past year has unfolded I’ve gotten back to  playing and recording some of the numerous songs written over the years.  After several surprisingly successful recording sessions over the past six weeks or so, I am again gaining a fair degree of inspiration which may lead to writing other songs.  And then still, I can morph the blog’s initial subject into a space that also includes writing about the process of recording as they unfold.  It seemed a good idea while flat on the bed in the dark of a winter’s night, which still holds true in the light of today.  I’ll see what actually happens as time marches on.

The Songs of 2020

I had little enthusiasm for writing to the blog.  The pandemic altered so much in life as we all once knew it.  I found myself totally alone for months that mounted with the stress and its uncertainty.  None the less I wrote several tunes during the time, only the first of which I wrote about here.  By this time however, the remembering of the writing process for individual songs has completely faded away, and I won't address that aspect of the process from today's point of view.  I will inform the readers only that 3 of the 4 songs are now on my website for anyone to listen to at their will.  https://thomasepeterson.com.  These songs are all quite different one from another. 

Another Day in Lonleysville, is an odd pandemic story that seems quite personal, of how it seemed to me to live in isolation through those days from the vantage-point of looking at the world through the windows.

Letters, a folk song that is also stained by the pandemic and how such change impacts perceptions.  This one almost holds a ballad like story, yet it's use of imagery leaves it to the listener to interpret for themselves if there is valid meaning.  The musical composition was fun to create.

Old Cowpuncher's Song, This is the tune that I have previously written about in the previous blog post.

There is one other tune that I called "Little Big," another folk ballad that draws on once being a child, growing up beside my sister.   It then looks at that through the eyes of being an adult, struggling to keep a sense of perspective in our present world condition, while writing verses to songs or poetry.  The recording of this one has yet to be completed.

I have been struggling as a guitarist, due to an injury of my left index finger, being right handed, this condition has forced me to learn how to play with but limited use of that finger.  It has been like starting over, having to re-learn how to play.  It remains difficult, yet I am gradually overcoming the deficit.  Still, it remains that I have lost a lot of ability in playing.  I am driven and shall continue.

The Old Cowpunchers Song

May 21, 2020.

A damp afternoon outside, following consecutive days of really wet outside, helped set the scene that contributed to the composition of a new song. It has been more than 8 months without writing lyrics upon any subject. You know how life is, of your own living. The social environment that we live within or beside, probably more than any other factor, logically seems to shape those inner motivations, moods in particular, allowing reactions to the daily stimuli. The repressive weather keeping the feelings of "trapped in isolation," seems strongly influential in the least. Yet, behind this vale, unexpected ideas can spring forth, altering the senses to raise the psyche up and above this stirred up mud of dirt, water and idiotocracy. Sometimes it seems alarming how swiftly change can occur.

The weather condition beyond the walls combined with a will to step out of the new normal in an afternoon, found me looking toward movies as a distraction early in this particular Thursday afternoon. I had attempted to watch the film, the ballad of Buster Scruggs, which I found quite amusing. During the early portions of the story, (that is as far as I've gotten, due to the events described here after) truly unexpected events occur. The movie begins with a song, sung by whom it seems is the starring character, exuding a distinct sense of humor in sarcasm, at least that was my impression at the time. By the end of the third or fourth scene, the cowboy gun slinging singer, shot dead, produces his angelic wings and whilst narrating the story-line, flies off into a cloudy blue sky. The juxtaposition in the scene, going from starring character to flying off into the sky, angel like, wings slowly flapping out an ascent, within these early scenes, struck an inner cord within. As I do often, while watching video presentations, I pause the player in order to do something else for a few moments, in order to keep up with the story. So on this occasion I did just that, pause. This time it was to refresh the dwindling fire in the wood stove. As I opened the door of the stove to view its status, my mind strayed off into one of those spontaneously occurring thoughts that often distract my attention. Is it ADHT or the universe supplying something without clear notification? I can't say with specificity what it is, yet it seems to me to be the latter of the two.

The thought was very simple, quite related in some off kilter way to an impression derived of the film's content, yet not really of its substance. "Back in the day where the cowpunchers roamed," were the words shaping my thought, as I looked into the wood stove. Curious, I thought, as I placed another piece of wood into the stove, shut its door, turning to regain my seat before returning to the film. Just that fast, only seconds of time, forced by some unknown condition, my day, the thoughts, the inspirational unknowns, caused a pivot from action A, toward action B. I went from pleasantly being mindlessly, watching entertainment supplied via a movie, to the shaping of a new song.

I stopped before regaining my previous seat, left the film in pause mode, when I stopped long enough to think, is this something, when another line of words formed up in thought, complementary to the line previously stated. In that moment I recognized a familiar situation, deciding to grab at the opportunity, I turned, returned to the computer, opened the word processor and away it went. The afternoon being creatively engaged by the muse.

I wrote out that first couple of lines, then a couple more, as though the words fell from the sky or something. There seems to be little force or deliberate shaping of its content while this kind of process occurs. I am present, yet it happens sort of like magic, poof, there it is, on the monitor's screen. This one could be considered as sort of a ballad, maybe, however, pigeon holing genre, I can leave to others.

Now, I have lost an ability to play guitars, my main instrument for more than 50 years, thus I turned to the piano to figure out the musical shape these lyrics induce. I had an imaginary image in my head when I lifted the keyboard cover to access the keys. It is clearly a cowboy country song, sparked in a way by the cowboy theme of the movie I had begun watching. I use a metronome to solidify a tempo that will shape the ideas of music. Clearly I knew that this would be in 3/4 time, like so many of the traditional cowboy songs. Then maybe that itself is also something of my imagination? I know however, that I made this piece in 3/4 time. The piano remains rather unfamiliar territory where I lack an ability to be fluent. So I struggle in playing it. But I pounded out a structure that supports these lyrics, to satisfactorily shape these ideas into song, and I started singing the lyric. What used to take brief minutes with a guitar, now took well over an hour with the piano, but I succeeded. It is the first time I composed a song with a piano. It is not the instrument that makes the song however. My own experience shows that the song makes its own music.

I played at it for a couple of hours, trying to keep my fingers coordinated enough toward pressing unfamiliar places in correct sequences, it remains a struggle for me, still. When I began, the idea shaped up in the key of Ab. I played through it a couple of times before I recognized the ridiculousness of playing in Ab, so after a little experimentation, I settled into playing it in the key of G, for the sake of simplicity. After that, I knew I should make a rough draft recording to prevent full loss of the melody due to a leaky brain, where memory should exist, yet often fails me.

Having put all the recording gear away a month ago, I had to re-assemble the pieces, and choosing to use a condenser mic for capture, required a different type of stand as well as mic placement, all unfamiliar because I've not previously tried recording my lacking piano abilities. Eventually that too found enough success to preserve the idea while it remained alive and active in my head. And that, is the story of how "The Old Cowpunchers Song," came to be.

And by the way, while I write this, I have yet to see the remainder of this film, and it is nearing a full day later. It is likely that today, I will return to start it again, as it seems that I only saw 15 minutes of its duration. Happily, I found the film quite pleasant and entertaining.

 

Edit in:

Yesterday, August 5, 2021 I released the recording of this song, https://thomasepeterson.com/mp3/Old-Cowpunchers-Song.mp3, give it a listen if you choose.

An Update of Publishing

I suppose it was yesterday when I did a rather complete review of previous posts here.  In the process I found a few songs written about in here had not been linked in order to allow your listening to them.  At that time I connected links in the website to the blog, and now I will do the reverse, connecting the blog to the individual tunes available.  The problem being I didn’t make a physical list to work with now. I can now make a list and enter said links below, hopefully not duplicating what had previously been addressed.

First is the song, The Megaphone.  It was published yesterday, April 1, 2020. The song was written about in this post and is now available to listen to at the following: www.thomasepeterson.com/mp3/The_Megaphone-b.mp3.  Now I choose to state here, that this song does include a rough lead guitar track, that I can not correct at present having an inability to play stringed instruments currently.  There is a problem with the index finger on my left hand :( which has stopped functioning correctly.

Awaken, written of in this post, is available to listen to at the following: www.thomasepeterson.com/mp3/Awaken.mp3

Blue-eyed Boy written of in the first half of this post, is available to listen to at the following:<a href="www.thomasepeterson.com/mp3/Blue-Eyed-Boy.mp3.

In This World So Blue, written of in this post is available to listen to at the following: www.thomasepeterson.com/mp3/In_This_World_So_Blue.mp3.

Now having the malfunctioning finger, I seem less inspired to write songs.  At present, I have no idea how music will unfold in the tomorrows to come or if it shall cease for me.  I am currently working toward learning to play piano, which has a potential for one day being a go to instrument for me, but at present the piano is far from what I know. 

Thanks for checking in, be safe in these world wide troubling times.  My best to everyone everywhere.

The Megaphone

It was June 20^th when the muse last paid a visit, granting me another song to share with the world.  Song writing remains very mysterious to me because of how the seeming events unfold.  For the most part the resultant effort in this past event, seems or otherwise feels as though I, the human within this body, was not present and involved.  I can recall portions of the experience, yet in this moment I am unable to recognize and or recall what I will refer to here as the enzyme causing it to erupt.  I do recall being in my living room in movement, walking past the end of my couch, when the flood of word and inspiration struck, which in turn stopped my forward progression to briefly pause then abruptly pivot 180 degrees with a thought that there was something here to capture.  This type of situation has struck me many times over the years under differing circumstances, causing me to quickly get to the computer enabling the capture of what seems magical.

Soon there after, I found myself before the word processor’s screen, engaged in writing an impression of this thought flood.    In the flood was an auditory influence that had a shape of its own, illusionary holding the words to its shape in both pitch and cadence.  I wrote out 7 lines of text, containing two separate forms, before grabbing up my guitar to actually find the shape of audio provided beside or with the words.  After a bit of fumbling with notes on the fretboard the pitch resolved as an AA (the second A below middle C on a piano or, an open A string on a standardly tuned guitar), and from there the guitars standard A first position was established, being the key for the piece.  The  entire musical phrase for the verse quickly took an understood shape, where as shifting into the chorus was a less fluid process, with some intuitive searching for the shape of it, I experienced a couple of stutters along the way, as finding the shape of this chorus seemed illusive for some time.  I played through my impression a few times yet, there was a flaw, as the resolution from this progression (in a D) back to the AA was impossible.  I then realized the solution, a somewhat different play in the chord structure of the chorus.  As fast as a spark, the chorus had its shape, allowing me to sing the words I’d written.  

At that point, I put the guitar down and concentrated on the lyrics.  The muse was still alive in me, allowing the words to flow out effortlessly.  From beginning to end the song was written completely along with its composition in what must have been less than 15 minutes.  Taking to the guitar again, I began singing the lyric with its accompaniment, smiling along the way, having an impression of the song’s essence solidifying in my mind.  Yet experience has shown that at this point in time, I could easily have a lapse in my memory as to this song’s true essence. 

Thank you Linux OS for the ease with which it has become handy to record raw audio.  I turned the system on (Ardour), set up the inputs for the microphones and recorded a rough draft to preserve what was in the moment, raw thought inside my head.  It worked flawlessly.  I now had the new song captured in essence, and after a Save As and giving the file a name, I had a new song. 

With a raw copy stored and a feeling of accomplishment in the unexpected, with the muse lurking somewhere overhead in the ethers of being I happily began the process of properly recording this new song.  I opened the drumming software (Hydrogen) and with my mechanical metronome, determined a fitting tempo.  I then input this number into the software and set to making a very basic drumming pattern with just a bass drum on the 1, 3 and the backbeat snare at 2, 4.  With  this pattern running in the background I then recorded the piece over, in its entirety with this to hold the tempo while re-recording.  This produced a better impression of the song.  I then began composing a bass track to glue the tune into its form.  After hooking up the electric bass guitar into the system a multi step process due to lacking a bass amplifier here, I recorded a bass track beside what was previously done.  Fact is I am less than proficient enough at playing the bass, to create a usable bass track.  I could overcome this were I to play the instrument but… that is not in my card deck now.  I can play it well enough to use the recorded track as a template for creating a good midi bass track.  I did both of these things to create a good bass track for the recording.  Upon completion of the bass track in midi, I then switched back to the drumming software to create a drum track that might do more than hold the tempo, one that could add too and compliment the song, fitting beside the bass.  From the moment of inception to near done, I had a reasonably completed song in under 2 hours.  To me, amazing.

Since then I have done only a little bit of work to this recording as other demands had to take precedence.  I had a scheduled performance of 2.5 hours, 5 days hence and had great need to practice and rehearse, having excluded most public performances for well over a year.  And the beat goes on.

Follow the Muse

Saturday, July 28, 2018 allowed a new song’s creation. This came about toward the end of my normal morning routine. I’d completed a morning review of the credible news that I prefer from the traditional sources provided on the internet. Weekends usually offer less viable news, thus the time it took to review the content, seemed brief. Living in my mind, forming thoughts that can formulate plans where none may prioritize my action for a day, or better stated as living in the moment, is the methodology I regularly utilize and prefer.

Having done this, while drinking my usual dose of strong coffee to wipe away the lingering slumber of night and sleep, a decision as to what to do next entered my thoughts. The possibilities are truly endless, yet I am rather set in habitual patterns, where mornings and plans come together. Because I seldom plan what I’ll do with days, the habits come into play quite often. This day followed that course for a short time after completing the news review. I then turned toward listening to the prerecorded music of others, of my own choosing. It is seldom that I allow the choices of others (radio etc.) to determine what I’ll allow to fill my space, as I prefer making my own choices as to what may influence my day, because sometimes doing so will alter its mood. For me, music can sometimes strongly influence and temper how my day evolves.

The previous evening I had chosen a course, deciding to learn another song, written and performed originally by Bob Dylan, "Just Like a Woman." I had been inspired by viewing the dvd, "A Concert for Bangladesh," where as, having seen Bob’s rendition with the group on hand for that occasion, I paused the player, to learn the song for myself. In doing so that evening, I had called up the song from his album "Blond on Blond," to my media player in order to review its original form and to study its structure. Unknowingly, this sequence of events set up the circumstances that allowed this new song’s creation the following morning.

Thus after completing the news review that morning, I opened my preferred media player, Amarok. It had in its memory the single song " Just Like a Woman" retained in its playlist from that previous nights application. Seeing this, the thought to again fill the room with the presence of Bob’s recordings, yet wishing to add to the play list, I called up a new songlist of Dylan recordings, including the album "Modern Times." The media player went through many songs while I prepared and ate a breakfast, when I again found myself sitting here listening, the track "Thunder on the Mountain," was playing when, near the end of said track, a trigger in thought occurred. In an instant, this caused me to shut down the music, to open a word processor and I let words begin forming in my head, typing them into the computer.

I began writing out the words that came to mind. In those moments, I followed the slate of inspiration. It lacked any preconceived idea as to what might form. The only thing I understood in those moments, were that those words "thunder on the mountain," separate, standing alone, hold a somewhat iconic theme for me. It is sourced in my own life’s experience. I have experienced lightening and its thunder on mountains well above timberline. At that time being there in that situation provided a potent experience that conjured up survival instinct, leaving an altered sense of awe in its wake. Even so I lacked a desire to express that situation in any way. Also, in thought was my desire to remain fully separated from either the words or expression I’d just heard in Bob’s song. I wrote out lines, a full verse worth of them, then paused to review and alter them. At present, memory has little recall as to the content of those lines. I knew that I wanted to shape an idea that could express a personal core value in regard to our shared environment, that which we all in some way share commonly, this earth and foremost, the alarming trends that I notice.

Upon editing those first few lines, a shape and direction began to jell. I have heard thunder and have noted in its presence what could be termed as anger or in this instance, rage. It could be that the human response to the immediacy of lightening and its associated thunder, is what caused ancient humans to consider the existence of there being something much more powerful than they. Knowing nothing of the physical forces displayed during these weather events, I suppose the alarm of being in its presence was the cause for what is now known as a God. However; this is not my point, nor is the content of what came there after in my writing. The first line evolved then, into, "I’ve heard that the thunder, has to loose its rage." In this case the word rage might be a reflection on my own reaction to being in its presence in high elevation places, where the threat of lightening’s force, I personally recognized as, immense. With this alteration and some others in those initial lines of verse, a direction for the song took hold. Even so, I was without any clear intention as to the sought destination of their collective expression. The first line here (although unknown at the time) is used only as texture for what was to be this vignette of words, that in the moment of conception possessed no music or even a hint there in.

Now for certain, there is no deliberate "other person," in the words of this lyric. It is my understanding of the importance of interpersonal relationships, which brings another person into the story. I believe doing so provides a place that others may be drawn into, as we humans instinctively associate ourselves as being, a part of the whole. And with this comes an understanding of our own mortality, a condition that in my own aging, tends to hold a distinct significance. We will all eventually pass from what we know as living, and go on to what ever comes there after, something or nothing. Since I neither know the answer to that unstated question, or possess desire to instill it into this song, I have simply referenced it via the imagery in, we may, "feel age."

From this point in the process, a contextual situation is created by the introduction of a commonly understood yet hypothetical location, that being, in the mountains. Now observations from the observer’s view begin to form, bringing the thunder back into play as a shared experience. The effect of our relationships in and on this planet are employed here through the use of imagery. I brought birds and the season of spring in at this point because both have the potential to be an influence and be influenced, in our lives.

A separate set of ideas is then introduced as a chorus. It acknowledges some of the most basic things that make up our lives and the conditions which shape them, water, sun, the revolutions of our earth and time.

The song’s last two verses attempt to clearly bring the seasonal cycles in living here into play. Summers end, birds migrate, fall comes and the seasons change throughout our lives. Hopefully we can all find inspiration in living. For myself and so many others, singing is both a producer of happiness and of hope. Doing it by a campfire is even better!

Space Between

Listening and watching time go by while living life.  I realize it has been a long dry spell from writing here, yet within that lapse of time I have written a song.  I went as far as to begin writing a piece about that writing experience, that was then never completed.  Music remains high in my list of interests so I work at it every day for the most part.  There are days where I fail to touch an instrument though.  A couple of weeks ago life took me another direction with a dose of the flu bug.  I am still here! 

I have just begun playing and singing again post bug.  It seems I need more practice to stay and be in that magic space, than what used to be true.  The older brain seems to forget lyrics or even timing for moments.   In playing music, moments are all there is and we hope that it will flow smoothly, all while realizing the humanness of being.  Sometimes it works and sometimes, not so much. 

Last night I listened to some of my recordings still incomplete, just a review to jog the memory, seeing the names, hearing the various parts, and enjoying the experience.  It is somewhat exciting to hear some of these songs.  I am referring to songs that you have not heard.  Their representations are being created so that you may one day hear them, they are many and I can but hope I am able to complete this project.  Over this past fall and winter I experienced some very serious physical problems that forced me to stop playing the guitar for weeks at a time.  I made some changes to hopefully allow those neurological problems to fade away. 

Here in this room where I live most of my life, I am now again looking at what is only a very rough outline about writing the last song I wrote.  This song now has the name, Ode to Your Heart.  Now that I am looking back on the songwriting experience from such a long gap in time, that experience is rather blotted out, covered by the experiences since then.  January 18, 2018 was the day this song was created.  I must have had an unusual state of mind on this particular day, because, as this outline says, this song was deliberately written rather than it being a spontaneous response to impressions that come in thought, as though the universe is talking and I hear it, which leads to capturing those images, my normal way of writing.  For some time before this day, a period of maybe a couple of months, I had an idea about a song, yet without any type of structure at all.  It was the idea of using a womans name in a song.  The name I had concluded would have to be somewhat light, sweet, maybe lilting, I didn’t really know, the thought was one of more image than substance.   The character behind the name completely lacks meaning of any kind. By choice I decided that were this the name of a person I had any association with, ever, that name would be disqualified.  Thus on the day in question, the name came to me.  I should say a name that became the name used in this song.  Lilyan is the name. 

Soon after the name was realized, I came to the computer and began to write.  As is almost normal the song pretty much wrote itself.  I was present, aware and altering the words on the page.  They flowed smoothly into place.  I recall fighting with spelling the word, eerie.  Me and the dictionary in all of its forms, are less than good friends.  Yet I depend on spell check, for without that, you would not survive reading the attempted words.  The structure began as two verses and a chorus.  Actually these two parts seem to differ in apparent subject, while it is assumed that usages of the female name and the word 'she,' represent the same character.  After completion and review, I decided to begin this song with the chorus, then end it with the same.  I wrote this first, having previously just decided what the name would be.  I started with that word, Lilyan.  Lilyan, I found you, but then I changed that to: Lilyan, you found me, I was walking.  Actually here it does take the assumption I mentioned and voids that thought’s credibility entirely.  What wound up being the first line of verse, after several changes and shifting of its three and four word phrases, the verse evolved into, "I awoke the morning, sky an eerie dark, felt it crying, oo, oo, ooo..."  Yet I lack having an actual cognition of where that line came from, I mean the subject expressed.  Seemingly it has everything to do with the character speaking in first person.  The line sort of sets an overall tone which seems dark in nature.   Furthering the dark expression, I  stated  her to be missing, without any reference as to where or how this happened.  The expression then takes on the concern of those whom are affected by this missing status.   The second verse takes this expression deeper into this status of a missing person.   The song lacks any resolution to the conflicted, leaving the audience without any conclusion, then chorus repeats to close out the lyric.

I really should have taken the time to write this out when that described here in was fresh in real time.  So it goes.

****************post edit****************

February 4, 2020

The song Ode to your Heart has now been recorded and posted on the website, https://thomasepeterson.com/mp3/Ode-to-Your-Heart.mp3 

A New Song About Songs

Very odd circumstances can sometimes culminate in the creation of new songs. I had one of those experiences a while back. It was late morning, following breakfast, with the lingering of a kitchen mess drawing my attention toward clean-up, that I now note as the beginning of this unfolding. The house was still, in the quiet after going through the morning’s ‘catching up’ on the supposed news. Outside the wildfire smoke was intense enough that the windows were all closed up for my intension to keep the concentration of particulate out, increasing the silence within. I thought to change the ambiance by adding some music to sooth my mind as I began the task ahead. Turning on my computer’s music reproduction software, I contemplated the play-list displayed, a remnant of yesterday’s listening to old Neil Young albums. In that moment with the last two tunes of his Zuma album (from 1975) cued up and waiting while my desire wanted something different, yet these two songs could play without disrupting my mood. Still the task in the kitchen required greater duration of time than these two songs could cover, but what to set forth? I wanted something different, something other than playing through the set order of recorded albums. My usual method for selecting a play list is, calling up artists, looking through album names, then choosing among the albums in the data base. Instead of following this procedure, I chose to enter words into the search box. Happenstance guided what followed, in the search box, I typed the words, “hard times.” The database parsed out 11 artist names, in the ordered list containing those two words. I added the titles to the play list, clicked the play button, then back to the kitchen to begin washing the dishes.

With this musical set list now filling the space, I began the dish washing process. At least three days of dishes had accumulated since the last washing, yet the quantity was minimal. I waited for the sink to fill, adding the liquid soap, placing the neatly arranged bowls into the steamy water, while noting the music that set the mood, pleasant in its familiarity. That washing, rinsing, and placing of clean tableware into the drainer began in its normal manner as the second song, the last track of Zuma began. I’d not listened to this in years, it sounded like CSN&Y (I later looked into this to find that all of those guys participated in the recording). My thoughts flipped about, influenced by the music and the activity. As the name themed song titles progressed, my thoughts swayed to the influence, the singing of songs about hard times. By the time the list had tracked through and to Woody Guthrie’s song, "Hard Times," I began considering that all these songs are derived out of the historically hard times that these authors had lived through, or at least knew something of. With the influences of these various hard time themes reflecting in my thoughts, combined with my own ever present quest of creating new songs, I began considering a tale based in songs about hard times. The Guthrie song, being one from the Library of Congress Recording sessions, includes a conversational narrative portion of some duration. It was during this narrative that my mind skipped past the spoken, allowing a phrase of my own to build about songs of hard times. Looking back now, it seems as tho, Woody’s statement about the many songs he knew about hard times, must have influenced my trajectory of thought. So many songs about hard times. I’d just listened to many other songs with the theme, hard times. Everybody’s singing songs about hard times. All these people sang songs of hard times, so why not write a song about a few people who wrote songs about hard times, inclusive of something specific to their author. With the dish washing completed, I moved back to the computer to write out the idea.

Since I had concluded this topic viable for a song, I set upon writing the theme. I immediately wrote what is a sort of chorus, having six lines specific to the general theme, singing songs about hard times, then I went back to the music program to revisit the individual songs that sparked the idea. I began with Woody Guthrie, to derive the respective theme expressed in the song. There in I wrote a verse having to do with Mr. Guthrie. I went down the play-list revisiting all the tunes and researching to discover the author whom wrote these songs, rather than the recording artist listened to, for clarity in addressing who actually created the themes I'd been experiencing. From that point on, the process was quite simple, mechanical really, although it was inspired of my own passion.

Now, in reflection, I realize that this song came about through my deliberate attempt to write a song. This is a different methodology from the usual method I employ. More often than not, my own experience in creating songs has shown up through what I consider as the song finding me, or the universe gave it out, allowing me to catch it due to being receptive, which is not what happened during this song's creation. It worked out rather quickly, the writing and then establishing a musical theme that could support the lyrics. In truth, I believe I have found better songs through listening to that which is offered by the universe, than what this song amounts to. Even so, this was another song writing experience.